We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
