I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
