Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
