Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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