He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
