i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
