First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
not ubering you a puppy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize