We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize