You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
