I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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