Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is this like a preordered booty call?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
