a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
