last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
