Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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