and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
