I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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