we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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