Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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