You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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