We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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