Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
time to smoke my breakfast
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize