I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
