Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
