she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
