You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
