My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
