just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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