I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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