when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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