i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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