I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize