His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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