There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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