I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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