I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
MIDGETS
????
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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