You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
