good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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