New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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