LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
