I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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