Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
