Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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