so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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