dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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