Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
