I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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