well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
