Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
