my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
