K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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