I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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