Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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