and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
