The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
