I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
